Damn Pianos

I have to be careful listening to piano music. It can make me melancholy.

Then I start to feel things.

I hate feeling things.

Worse. I hate being alone with my feelings.

I have big feelings.

And most days I don’t know what to do with them.

I spend a lot of time ignoring them. Stuffing them down. Attempting to escape them.

I think this is why I eat. Or binge watch TV. Or disappear into the internet.  I think that these are all just attempts to escape being with my feelings. And when I can’t indulge in escapism, I tangle myself in projects or turn on music that I can sing along to.

But tonight, I thought I would set the mood for exploring my thoughts with a little music. I searched Pandora for something that wouldn’t be too distracting. I came across a  station called “piano magic”. It hasn’t disappointed. But it also has taken me to a very emotional state very quickly. I am not sure how long I can listen.

Fortunately, these songs are punctuated by obnoxious commercials. Just as I feel the lump in my throat forming...Pandora saves me with an add blasting New Year’s savings on the latest model of this or that.

(Oh heaven forbid…..someone just added a violin to the piano. I die.)

I carry a lot of baggage. I have a lot of hurt. I have a lot of rejections that I have faced from others and from myself. I have struggled with fear and inadequacy my whole life.

Not many know. I am not one of those women who easily cry at the first sad commercial on TV, or sitting in a ladies bible study, or any other place where someone might see. No…you wouldn’t catch me being vulnerable like that.

In fact, I rarely cry.  I have learned to cope with disappointments and losses by just moving forward. Instead of recognizing, acknowledging or accepting what I am really feeling, I brush off my hurt. Or I swallow my sadness. Or I distract myself with making endless plans for the future which are born of the seeds of hope I always carry in my heart.

But the most effective way I have learned to cope with life is through the ability to forget. In this, forgetfulness has been a best friend to me. True…a lot of times it is also my worst enemy….because I REALLY can’t remember anything. Just ask my family how many times a day I lose something.  But I think that forgetting  is just a skill that I developed a long time ago.

Forgetfulness is just a lack of mindfulness, a lack of paying attention, a lack of wanting to be in painful moments.  As a little girl, I learned that I could escape and go up into my head and live outside of what goes on around me.

As a girl my life was filled with real circumstances that resulted in real grief and real pain. But now, those circumstances no longer exist.  But fear has moved in and filled their place.   I am no longer in danger. I am no longer abandoned. But instead of realizing that I am ok….I have replaced those real circumstances with imaginary ones. The “what if’s” of life.

Tragically what saved me as a girl (using this ability) has hurt me greatly as a mother and an adult. I often tune out. I seek solace and escape. I am almost frantic when I just can’t go away and live inside my head.

When I steal away to that place in my mind, I am calm. I am numb.

I have discovered that I am an addict for this numbness. Every addict has their preferred opiate. The TV, the internet, and food are my drugs of choice.  And combining them is the fastest route to release.

And here is where I feel such regret.

I have been addicted to these things and I have hurt and neglected the ones I love. I have neglected myself. I have hurt myself. And I need help.

I need You Lord to help me. No one else can. I am so beyond the help that another human can offer. All of the solutions that others offer fall so short of healing me from what I am really dealing with. I can’t help myself.  God I need you.

I am broken. I want to be present for my children, for my husband, for my family and friends. I want to feel and remember. I want those memories to be carried in my heart to shape me and make me.

I have lost so much time. I have lost so many things to my addiction. I would give anything to go back. I wish I could do everything over again.  This hurts so bad.

The world offers only superficial solutions. But I can see so clearly tonight that I am outside of the reach of anyone but You.

You made me. So You can fix me. And I believe you have brought me to this moment because You love me. Please fix me.

Oh good grief….Les Miserable is playing….and now I am in a full out sob.

I am feeling things now.