An Unsettled Night

Don’t even know where to begin….

Well that’s a start anyways.

My husband just rolled over in bed. I was relieved. What I have to say seems private. I am ashamed of my thoughts I guess. Or maybe I am just ashamed of needing the therapy that writing all of this down provides. One thing is for certain…I don’t want him watching me write this down.

He doesn’t get me. He gets me better than anyone on this earth perhaps….and that is a hard thing to do. But I am often frustrated by his assumption that he has me all worked out. I hate that.  It annoys me. He does know me intimately. He has me mostly figured out, but there are definitely some areas which he has me all wrong.

Part of it boils down to his tough love /no excuses approach with me. I am not allowed to make excuses. I am not allowed to feel sorry for myself. I already know these rules. So why the hell did I let my guard down tonight?

 In a rare moment of weakness I cried.

At first he was the compassionate husband. I needed that. It felt really good to connect. But when I started to unpack all of the things that I have been bottling up for weeks, I saw his compassion give way to the need to fix it. And though he wishes to fix it because he loves me…he has wrongly sized up his ability to do so.

Personally, he is motivated by being tough. He is tough with himself and it works for him. It is actually something that impresses me tremendously. He can make up his mind to accomplish a goal, and he will never make an excuse. NEVER. It will be done.

But his mistake is one that men often make…assuming that what works for him works for everyone. So…he got tough with me. Not mean. Just tough.

But I am not one to respond to tough. It has the opposite effect. I just want to give up and cry more.

I am tough enough with myself….actually I am just mean to myself. I have been a big meanie as long as I can remember. I have no compassion where I am concerned. I call myself names and I berate myself for all my failures.

I rely on outsiders to validate me.

That is a real problem. And perhaps it is the reason why I can’t overcome my demons.  

No what I need is compassion. And validation. But I am starting to realize that those things can’t come from anywhere but myself. Because unless I am shutting down the voices, I am simply undoing what anyone else might do or say to offer me the compassion and validation I need.

I am not talking about making excuses for myself. I just need to let go of the shame and the blame.

It’s not to say that I shouldn’t take responsibility for where I have made mistakes….I am just not sure that the blame and shame is productive.

And if I am going to make any lasting changes I know two things are for certain

#1 I have to do this myself. Not necessarily alone. But I am going to have to do this…no one can do it for me. I have to make the difference in my life. No one is coming to my rescue.

#2 I can’t keep getting in my own way. I sabotage myself with my beliefs about myself. I don’t know what I should believe about myself. This is new territory. But I know that I have been very cruel and it is time to put an end to that.

So what is it that I don’t like about my life that needs changing?

In no particular order....

·        Obvious to everyone and the cause of much of my shame is my weight. I weigh close to 250 pounds. For over 15 years I have struggled and yo-yoed with my weight.

·        My relationship with my oldest daughter. I have really made some mistakes.  Sometimes I have no idea what I am doing as a mom. I have lost the part of me that knew how to be a kid and I think we clash because we are so different...yet somehow exactly alike. I know she has a lot of anger with me.

·        My relationship with my youngest daughter. She needs me…and I have not been there for her. 

·        My relationship with God. I need Him. I need to work out my salvation, have assurance, and see evidence of my faith through my sanctification.

·        I need to resolve to fully understand and accept the relationship my parents have created with me. I need to come to terms with what their lives will ultimately produce.

·        I need to devote myself to a more peaceful way of life, one that is washed in prayer, calm, full of laughter, loving relationships, gratefulness, kindness, gentle speech, good food, generosity, and simplicity.

·        I need to walk away from fear for good by placing complete trust in Christ.

·        I need to deeply connect with my husband and enjoy each and every day as a gift…not taking a moment for granted, but not worrying about when those moments may end.

 I don’t need a brand new me. The diamonds are there. They just remain in this dark mine. I need to dig deep, sift out the junk, polish and set these qualities in the finest settings so that at the end of my life I have something of value to leave to those who remain. I want to live a life worthy of producing treasure. I don’t want my life to be a heap of ruins when I am gone.

I am closing in on 40. And perhaps it is this ticking of time that has caused me to be in pain tonight. I feel a sense of foreboding that I am running out of time. Sometimes this leads to a little panic, a little desperation, and even anger.

But I need to see this as a gift instead. Without the ticking of time, without death, without an end, there would be no need to make changes. I would have all the time in the world….and I would never begin. So time and death are a gift. They are a reminder that it is time to begin. How much time I have left to accomplish these things will be God’s gift to me. But I have accepted the gift and I have decided here and now to embrace time and death as a friend who are here to remind me to make the most of LIFE.

A GOAL: Drink more water. Listen to music. Practice soothing your spirit by surrounding yourself in things that calm.

A COMMITMENT: Get off the internet! Your limited time is worth more than the forgettable pages and hours wasted.